Your misadventures began at the Kirkoff center on one of those horrible family days. You all reticently sat next to Tom before you were sucked into a pit of doom, where black tentacles chucked you into a horrible little hamlet called Homlet in a medieval fantasy world. The villagers then logically assumed that you were demons, serving the terrifying flying spaghetti monster. Tamira hid. Bryan ran away. Good job guys. The villagers debated how to kill you, as Tom provoked them, and Tamira and Bryan were caught. Good job guys. Master Topkin tried to have a logical discussion with Corey, but Lena started speaking abyssal, and you were thrown in jail so the villagers could properly debate how you could be properly disposed of.
Lena shook her tits at an under-aged boy in order to get out of jail, leaving the rest of you to rot. Tom molested, then robbed, a sleeping alcoholic, and Bryan was proud of himself for finding a fork. It soon started to rain, and the cell went from gross to disgusting. The people abandoned by Lena discussed their predicament, as Corey debated whether it wouldn’t be worthwhile to forsake his potential clerichood (is that a word?) to thrash Tom.
Soon orcs attacked the village, and you got to see a woman being brutally slaughtered. The underaged boy Lena had promised herself to ran out to help before being brutally slaughtered himself while Tamira picked the cell door with Bryan’s fork. Lena finally realized orcs were attacking, and saved a buffalo with the power of ham. The jailbirds tried to run from the orcs, but Tamira slipped in the mud. Corey and Tom ran back to help her, while Bryan simply ran. The three who stayed behind ganged up on an orc, then stabbed it to death, and Lena arrived in time to confuse the hell out of everyone with her garish buffalo steed and her crappy new spear. Master Topkin then arrived and took you to his cart, where you got more weapons you didn’t want, and then spent some time standing around.
Orcs began attacking from the north, and you decided to run away until Tom realized this second wave would have decimated the village entirely. Lena managed to avoid getting her hands dirty by bringing a message to the guards to the southwest, while the rest of you noticed a nearby family was about to get killed by Orcs. And fire. Hot fire. Corey convinced a small child to jump out a second story window, breaking his ankle. Brian got hit in the head by an orc, bloodying his ear, but didn’t actually run. Then you all ran in, saved an old lady, and ran out, except for Tom. He went upstairs to save a basket of kittens, one of whom facepwned an orc, heroically slaying it via gravity.
He next day, the villagers decided to make you clean up more of their crap by killing a horrible(sexy) monster in the woods. You got lost, and fruity dire weasels attacked Tom. Then some goblins surrounded you, and you pussed out before being struck with sleeping darts. You woke up in a beautiful grove, tended by my followers(cult). I explained that I was the monster they’d sent you to kill, and then gave you some cliche speech about potential, and fantasy worlds, and stuff. Then I paid for you to go learn stuff, because you’re horrible mooches, and gave you some crap I didn’t want. You kids will be meeting up in 3 months (game time).
So, what did we learn from this adventure, eh? If a fighter tells you he wants to specialize in the bow, it’s because it’s easier to run away from bow range. Buddhists CAN be considered for the blackguard class. Breasts are nature’s get out of jail free card. Dirt is rogue kryptonite. And, a kitten is now the most badass member of the party. Good job guys.